TOP 5 SCARIEST WOMEN.. EVER.

It's Halloweeeeeeeeen

I'm sure that's an appropriately scary into. Make sure to hold on to your (surely now damp) seat for my countdown of the TOP 5 SCARIEST WOMEN.. EVER.

I decided not to make them of any specific genre or medium as, well I don't have time as it's 11 o'clock already so I realistically have only an hours to write and post the begger before it's woefully out of date and I have to hang on for another year to give you the full force of my last minute half baked idea. True, it might be a better list if I think about and refine it between now and then, but more likely I will have forgotten all about it and it will languish forever unfinished.. So here we go.. Are we sitting uncomfortably on the edge of our seats gripping our cushions? Then I'll begin..

In no particular order..

Tubbs Tattsyrup

Right. Straight of the block, and it is a man in a dress. Oh well, plough on, Tubbs is definitely a woman even if “her insides are all wrong”. I adore the League of Gentlemen. All the characters inhabit a strange, twisted, hilarious and fantastic place and no more than Tubbs. Sweet, naïve, murderous and, in memorable scene, suckling a live pig Tubbs. Of all the other inhabitants of Royston Vasey, she would be the only one who would really haunt your nightmares, clutching the precious things of the shop to her bosom while having you burned for not being local.

Sadako Yamamura – The Ring

The Ring was one of a handful of films to genuinely scare me. The myth of a curse on a videotape is a neat idea, but the terrifying part was the, sorry if this is a spoiler, moment Sadako climbs of of the tele. Some very ingenious effects used (as I understand it, the actress was filmed going into the tv and the film was reversed to give the awkward and stiff look). The clever part was that it was completely unexpected and you are watching it on a TV at the time (or I was). The American version shows Sadako coming out of the Tele ON THE COVER OF THE DVD! I mean to say, that's like putting the statue of liberty buried in sand on the cover of Planet of the Ap.. oh yeah, they did that as well. What was I saying.

Bellatrix Lestrange.

She is pretty cool as it happens, the evilist and most unhinged of all witches. With her warped wand and evil cackle. I like a good moustache twirler and she tops all the men in that regard in the Harry Potter series. None of the rest kill with her glee and I have to admit, one of the best parts of the book was her comeuppance at the hands of Molly Weasley. The moment was slightly too quick in the film, but honestly it was a real punch the air moment for me, reading the book.

The lady who wee's herself in Threads.

Threads is genuinely terrifying, a glimpse into a future where the nuclear threat is carried out. Shown on the BBC in 1984, it begins as kitchen sink drama of a family starting out and quickly descends into an unremitting bleak, harrowing depiction of the effect of a nuclear assault. It is set in Sheffield, and, although the Sheffield of 1984 is quite different to the city I live in today, it is still recognisable and when the bombs drop and the lady wee's herself in fear, well it is pretty powerful. I would urge you not to watch it unless you are really curious as it goes from ominous to dark to bleak to dear god can we turn this off now. Course, it was peak time entertainment back in 1984, like x factor or something*.

It's worth checking out her imdb entry. What a career she went on to have.

*Probably not

The end of [Rec]

Many people haven't seen [Rec] and to be honest, that's a real shame as it's a brilliant film. It's a Spanish made reality horror/zombie/something else, and what happens at the end is truly special. On that note, I won't say any more, as if you've seen it, you'll know what I mean, and if you haven't, well I've either sold it to you, or you will never watch it. Which will be for the best. There is another American remake, I haven't see it but I guess they put the ending on the DVD cover of that as well.

So that's my list. Don't just sit there ranting at the screen about the obvious ladies I've missed, get some comments on. Sweet Nightmares.. Mwahahaha...

The Yawning Ocean

I used to believe, in the past, that my mum knew everything. I think many of us go through this stage. It very is unlikely this is true and and I think there is some stage at which this does start to occur to you, and you realise that the font of all knowledge is actually someone giving you their best advice in their most convincing voice. Not the same thing at all.

The moment I really understood this, I was around 19 and on holiday. My mum had persuaded me, against my better judgment, that it would be "absolutely fine" for me to go on a day trip on a fishing boat converted to take tourists out for a days swimming. We were in Tenerife and it was glorious sunshine and what better way to spend the day (I think she had visions of me sitting in bed in a darkened room reading a book and "not getting any benefit" of the holiday she had paid for, despite me being perfectly happy to do so).

I don't travel well, I am susceptible to heat stroke and I can't swim. None of this would be a barrier to enjoyment as there would be a lovely see breeze and sandwiches. Well, I decided to go, she had paid for the holiday and I do like sandwiches.

As soon as we got on the boat, I felt iffy. I was assured I would soon get my sea legs and everything would definitely be fine. If we were luckily, dolphins would come. About half an hour out, I was definitely not fine and there were no sea legs. So much so that not only the crew, but the rest of the passengers were doing rubbish impressions of me staggering around the deck. Laughing to themselves at my obvious distress. Oh, I didn't know the language, but it was plain enough what they were doing. My mum, not really hiding her disappointment, said they might not be laughing at me. My brother had no such restraint and joined in. By this point I didn't care, I concentrated on the horizon as it made me feel a little better,

As my colour went from my customary white to a lovely sea green a bag was passed and I turned into the vomiting social pariah at the end of the boat. With the heat, the boat rocking and the constant heaving, I felt like if death came for me it would be a blessed relief. The boat stopped in a rocky cove and some of the more adventurous foreigners dropped into the water and frolicked around, and the promised sandwiches were produced. As I sat grimly staring into the distance, my hat pulled down to just above my eyes, I could see my mum approaching from the side brandishing a sandwich. "Will you not have a sandwich" she said, looking slightly concerned, then added, "it cost me £30". Hmm.. "You might as well just chuck it straight into this bag, save me the trouble of regurgitating it." I replied.

After an eternity had passed the boat headed back and I started to feel better, but not less sick. I consoled myself with the fact that there might not be long to go. As we travelled some dolphins did indeed come to the side of the boat. Still trying to jolly me along, my mum jostled my elbow "oh come on Linda, will you not look at the dolphins?" I said "If I do, I'll be sick. Take some pictures and I'll look at them when we get home". She didn't ask me again.

We did eventually get back to dock and I was weak and shaky after a day of no food or water and near continuous vomiting, but after a few glasses of lucozade, I was back on the beer again. As I was young and stupid.

The worst bit of the story, is that we went back to Tenerife the next year, and mum booked my on another boat as she had been promised it would "definitely not make anyone sick." Oh and she had brought some Rennies, so that would be ok. Needless to say, as the boat left the harbour, without a beat I picked up the sickbag and strode directly to the vomitors corner. The first thing I threw up were the 2 damn rennies.

I'm a slow learner.

Never give up - Never surrender

My name's Linda and I'm a massive geek. Oh, the Pratchett quote and list of my tv, movie and book likes already gave it away, didn't it. Gah. This weekend I visited the holy ground of my people, the science fiction/fantasy convention- the SFX Weekender.

It was in Camber Sands, which, if you didn't know (and I didn't) is on the south coast. It's roughly a 5 hour journey from Sheffield. Our bright idea was to set of at 6.30on Friday to try and get there for the first panels at 1pm. Terrible idea. Arrived exhausted and confused, but soon picked up once we had found our chalet (it was clean, and that is about the best I can say for it, but we only slept there, so didn't matter that it was somewhat grim), had a drink and found our way around.

Pontins was overall a bit functional, the food options were hot dogs, and hot dogs with cheese (proving once again that everything is improved by cheese). Later we found downstairs a pizza/burger/chips outlet as well, thereby expanding the foodgroups available to a vegetarian. There was also a canteen, but I didn't venture in.

There were plenty of guests, panels, Q&A's to keep me busy, as well as screenings and shopping. Plus, we had a go on the arcade. There was also a dance troupe with some fantastic costumes wandering around, sometimes amazing, sometimes a little distracting.

I won't go into massive detail about the panels, mostly as I can't remember, but there were panels on whether Dr Who was for children (yes, but also for adults), science in science fiction, vampires on tv, and creating alternative Britain.

As I'm completely unable to talk to anyone even slightly famous, I shied away from book signings or anything even which would require me to speak (as only a strangled uuurrrgh comes out. Not a good look) and enjoyed the Q&A sessions.

George Takei was lovely and could have talked all day, Keeley Hawes was surprisingly flirty and cheeky, (and left one of my fellow guests a little wibbly after signing. Not naming any names), Craig Charles was a great laugh, had us in stitches, the Terry Pratchett and Steven Baxter talk left me excited for the new book and the Being Human panel (Russel Tovey and Toby Whithouse) was a lot of fun.

The big news was the Good Omens is being made into a 4 part tv series, which everyone now knows, thanks to twitter. Rather frustratingly, I was unable to access the internet at all for most of the weekend, so I couldn't access twitter or update anything at the time.

We also went to a couple of screenings, one was skyline and the other was monsters. Both using the alien invasion idea, but one demonstrating how make a cliched and disposable hollywood action/sci fi, the other a really lovely and interesting, using the backdrop of the alien invasion to tell a human story. I'll let you guess which was which. Actually, I won't as you might watch skyline by mistake. Skyline was the bad one. Glad to be of service.

The event culminated in the SFX awards ceremony, which was hosted by the hysterical and surreal Robert Rankin. Most of the winners didn't show up, but there were some nice videos (which are on youtube), but I nearly fell of my chair when Steven Moffatt appeared to accept Dr Who's award. Which, as he said, goes to show that it pays to show up.

Terry Pratchett won a lifetime achievement award, again the video is around on youtube. I hope that the introduction Robert Rankin did is also around somewhere, as it was very moving.

Then we popped back to put on our costumes (mine was rubbish, I was death (again) but accompanied by a roller girl zombie, mad scientist and highwayman) for the final ball, DJ'd by Craig Charles. It was funk and soul, and whilst I would really call myself a fan of either funk and or soul, he really nailed it, and the dancefloor was filled.

As I wasn't so keen on the following DJ, I made my way downstairs to the screening area where I got more drunk and watched Evil Dead 2. How often can you get pissed watching Evil Dead 2, dressed as death, I ask you?

A 5 hour car journey and many hours of sleep later, I'm back to reality. Sucks really, but already booked for next year..

(hope you got the "Never give up - Never Surrender" quote - Galaxy Quest)

Every day is like Sunday..

Nearly done with January. A month so boring, the actual highlight has been that I put a new head on my electric toothbrush. Always feels like the hangover after the excitement (excitement = high blood pressure and panic) of christmas.

January would be better later in the year, sometime warmer. It's asking for trouble trying to start new years resolutions in the bleak mid winter when broke. Who wants to be eating salad and jogging when any sane response would be to curl up under the duvet with something steaming and get.. well.. steaming.

After the excess of christmas, it's like jumping straight out of bed into a cold shower in the morning, rather than hitting the snooze several times, running downstairs to pop the heating on, and having an extra 20 minutes in bed to "let the house warm up".

So in the spirit of gradually easing myself into the year, hitting the metaphorical snooze button and, erm I suppose, allowing my metaphorical house to warm up (?) my January resolution is to stop drinking Baileys. So much. I can report a resounding success. Go me.

Hello? Is there anyone there?

I'm starting to think this blog is cursed. First post deleted as I hated it, second post deleted when cat walked over keyboard. So, here I am, trying again. And trying not to make it too long or too rubbish this time. Cat is rucking up the carpet, so is to busy to judge my work. Just as well as she's a tough critic. All cats are.

I had a blog before, but I've lost it on the internet somewhere. If you see it, cast adrif with no-one to update it or remove the advert/comments, let me know. The various spambots have probably taken it over and are busy selling each other viagra and slimming pills. I don't know why, but that made me feel a bit sad.